For a moment, imagine yourself as a child. What were you like – boisterous, apprehensive, creative, reserved? Now, imagine that you have been given the task of taking care of that child. Picture them, in front of you. You have been assigned to help them to thrive. What would you do or say?

Perhaps you would want to make sure they had a comfortable daily routine. Or maybe you would tell them that they are just right as they are and to trust themselves. You might want to create opportunities for them to explore.

Do you imagine yourself criticizing them, telling them that they aren’t enough, or that they have to be different? Would you compare them to others, and list to them all the ways they are not measuring up? Imagine a whole room full of young people, is this what you would tell them? If not, presumably that’s because you don’t think those words would help a child to thrive. So how then could it be that such thoughts would help your current self to thrive.

Clients sometimes say that self-critical thoughts help to keep them on track and succeed. But don’t you find it hard to think of anyone else for whom this kind of criticism is just what they need to be successful? The fact is that maintaining this critical voice raises cortisol levels in the body which are ultimately depleting and demotivating. If it is your habit to throw yourself under the bus, consider the limited number of tasks that can be done better from that position.

If you decide to embark on a new journey of self-compassion, take care to not replace your current self-critical thoughts with this new one: I’m failing at being compassionate with myself. Typically, the harder we try to get rid of a thought the more it tends to stay around. Instead, try the mindful approach of just acknowledging that it is there, “ah, there’s that self-critical thought again.” And then turn your attention to something that might better meet your needs. Criticizing yourself is an activity just like making lunch, calling a friend, completing a task from your to do list. Ask yourself, what is the best use of my attention and energy right now, criticizing myself or one of these other activities.

We are wired for survival, and this can give our thoughts a negative bias, especially when the pressure is on in one form or another. In these moments, it can be important to remember the universality of that concern about “being enough,” and then breathe in some compassion for yourself and breathe out some compassion for everyone else who may be sharing this feeling.

For additional resources, Dr. Kristen Neff suggests meditations and self-compassion exercises that you can try on your own: https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/

This self-compassion workbook was designed for students, but may benefit anyone: https://www.algonquincollege.com/counselling/apps-and-online-tools/#Workbooks

The ideas expressed in this post have come from conversations with colleagues, training, reading, and practice over time. Though I did not refer specifically to texts while writing, Kristen Neff’s ideas and research are surely threaded through. Another author who writes helpfully about self-compassion is Heidi Schreiber-Pan in her book Taming the Anxious Mind, which also credits Neff.