There are some great books about assertive communication, but these three simple steps will get you started: Make an empathetic statement, state your own feelings, state what you want. Here’s an example that most people can relate to. Let’s say someone has stepped in front of you in a line up:

1) “You seem stressed for time…” (express empathy)
2) “But I am also under time pressure and I’m feeling annoyed that you’ve stepped in front of me.” (state your own feelings)
3) “I’d like you to move to the back of the line.” (say what you want)

Starting with an empathetic statement helps us to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes for a moment and check our perspective. It also makes the other person more likely to listen to us.

Using “I” statements also helps. A “you” statement like “you’re being so rude!” can escalate a conflict instead of resolving it, because people get defensive. “I” statements like “I feel offended” are less likely to cause offence, because you are only sharing your authentic feelings. Often the other person can empathize, or will at least be more open to trying to understand.

You won’t always get what you want by using these steps, but you will get to walk away feeling that you were clear and fair, and maintained your boundaries. Try it the next time you want to raise an issue that could cause conflict!

There are many books available for further exploring assertive communication. A classic is Manuel J. Smith’s When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. However, you will likely encounter the same ideas in many assertiveness books if you want to explore these skills further.